There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
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that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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