I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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