oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Do vagina's smell?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
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so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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