Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize