Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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