Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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