Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
this is an emotional support booty call
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize