If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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