In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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