There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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