I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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