ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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