Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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