I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
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You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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