I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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