Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
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He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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