I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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