When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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