The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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