dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
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Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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