Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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