We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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