I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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