totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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