I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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