i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize