His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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