Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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