Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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