I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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