I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize