So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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