I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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