There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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