Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it's like iHOP with fire
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
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obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
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