I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I love you.
Bad choice
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