I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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