She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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