my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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