There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize