how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize