she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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