My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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