You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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