I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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