I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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