I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
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I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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