I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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