dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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