I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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